April 1, 2014. 22ºF (coldºC)
Here in Iowa, we’re tired of waiting for spring. This winter was awful, setting records for snowfall and below-zero temperatures. Like Vanilla Ice said “too cold, too cold!” All caused by the Polar Vortex. That’s why at DISTek Integration we are pleased to announce that we are going to destroy the polar vortex by demagnetizing the north pole!
That’s right, since January our team of engineers has been designing and building a fleet of Mobile Intelligent Planetary Remotely Autonomous Deployable Articulated Rolling Pole Demagnetizers (MIPRADARPD). Forty Nine MIPRADARPDs are currently on the way to the Arctic where they will automatically locate the North Pole and deploy 92.5 Megawebers of magnetic flux into the pole, demagnetizing it and turning the Earth into the universe’s only magnetic monopole (S)
We are pretty sure that doing this will confine polar vortices to the Southern Hemisphere and generate average winter temperatures of 75ºF (297.039 Kelvins) in Iowa. The effect on other geographic regions has not been studied as we wanted to rashly deploy the plan without wasting time on things like environmental impact, or effects on the space-time continuum (one naysayer claims there is a 14% chance of creating a black hole, but it’s still better than being cold.)
Look for warmer temperatures tomorrow in the Northern Hemisphere, and Australia – better find some coats! (try thesouthface.com) Hello MIPRADARPD, Goodbye Polar Vortex!